The Wizard of Mayo
by Monty Bojangles
Summary: Follow Hijikata as he finds himself in the kingdom of mayonnaise with only his pet cigarettes. Crack fic -oneshot-


Could also follow on to chapter one of:

**The day Kami pitied Okita… or maybe it was Ryuk.**

For Zoe's chocolate and mayonnaise muffins, we'll never see them the same way again.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Gintama, but the king of mayonnaise lives inside my head. So I suppose technically he belongs to me. XD

Ugh I must be on crack to come up with something like this…

* * *

The Wizard of Mayo 

Hijikata blinked. He sat up and blinked six more times.

"Huh?" - Intelligent words of the shinsengumi vice-captain. He lifted a hand and scratched the mess of black hair on his head. What looked like the remains of an old battle stretched out before him, skeletons lying motionless under the blood red sky.

"What is this place?" Hijikata murmured.

"My dream… well it's better to describe it as a nightmare." Hijikata's eyes widened, and he sharply turned his head to the voice behind him.

"You!"

"Yes me." Gintoki replied.

"But what am I doing in your nightmare? And why are there dead bodies?" Gintoki merely sighed and started to pick his nose; opting to ignore him and hope he goes away.

"Oi! Don't ignore me teme!" Gintoki removed his finger from his nose and glared at Hijikata.

"What?"

"What's with the skeletons?" Hijikata thrust a finger in the direction of the closest corpse.

"How the hell should I know? It's a dream. Dreams don't make sense."

"Huh?" Again, quite the intellectual don't you think?

"Whatever, I'm going to wake up scared shitless and sweating now okay?" That being said, he disappeared in a puff of neon yellow smoke.

"Wait! Get back here!" Hijikata stood up and yelled at the spot Gintoki previously inhabited. Nothing happened so he turned around to inspect the area more thoroughly.

* * *

He spotted a large white door off in the distance and decided to head towards it. Hijikata stopped just outside of the door and raised his eyebrows. There was a small sign on the door, it read: **wet paint. DO NOT TOUCH.**

Deciding to ignore the sign, Hijikata pushed the door ajar and inched his face closer to the gap he'd created. It immediately slammed back into his face, sending him to the floor.

"What the hell?" Hijikata grumbled, and lifted himself off of the floor. He rammed the door open, ready to yell at whatever had just slammed the door in his face. However, he wasn't prepared for what was before him, and the cigarette, which I'd neglected to tell you was there the whole time, dropped from his open mouth.

Mountains of mayonnaise, fast flowing mayonnaise rivers, and yes, mayonnaise clouds.

Mayonnaise sculpted into birds soared high above his head, and little dead mayonnaise worms littered the noodle-like ground. Or maybe the little dead worms were just the excrement of the mayonnaise birds. Or maybe they were just random splotches of mayonnaise. Who knows? Although some of them gurgled a little if he stepped on them…

"Kami-sama…it really exists! The kingdom of mayonnaise!" I would _like_ to tell you that Hijikata did a little happy I-found-the-kingdom-of-mayonnaise-in-your-face dance, but that would be a lie. So I won't. But it's really your problem if you're gullible enough to believe me.

Hijikata did a little happy I-found-the-kingdom-of-mayonnaise-in-your-face dance.

"Ow… What the hell do you think you're doing?" Hijikata finished his little dance and faced the voice that had just yelled at him.

"What? It's an awesome way to express my –hell yeah I found the kingdom of mayonnaise feelings-"

"No! The door! It was wet! Can't you read?" Hijikata stopped to consider his options. Opening a wet door obviously annoyed the _thing_ before him. So maybe he should lie. I mean it looked like a mayonnaise-y grim reaper… or maybe it was Ryuk.

"I… didn't touch the door! Get off my back!" _It _snorted.

"Then what are those big white splotches all over your face?"

_Crap._

"This is how I normally am. Yeah… it's… a new fashion statement!" _It _raised a mayonnaise-y eyebrow.

"Whatever. Just go writhe in eternal mayonnaise-y hell. I don't know what you did to end up here, but it must've been bad. First things first, you need to go see the king."

"The King? What like Elvis?" Hijikata scratched his chin thoughtfully.

"No you dumbass! Look. Go bother someone else. Follow the road and you'll figure out the rest." Hijikata just shrugged, and started to skip down the mayonnaise brick road, a packet of cigarettes under his arm.

* * *

It wasn't long before he passed a field, where he spotted a voodoo doll of mayonnaise had been strapped to a mayonnaise-coated pole. Hijikata approached it and took it down from the pole. His stomach rumbled. Well, he hadn't eaten anything since arriving in the kingdom. And skipping is oh so hard work. He sniffed it and took a bite out of what he assumed, was the arm. It tasted good.

"OW! OW! DAMMIT! AHHHHH!" Hijikata's eyes widened in surprise, and he looked down at the mayonnaise thing in his hand.

"WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM? AHHHH! OH MY…" The noise wasn't coming from the mayonnaise doll. He looked up to see a larger version strapped to a pole, overlooking the noodle field. Its left arm was missing…

_Crap_

He quickly dropped the mayonnaise doll and ran for his life, away from the screaming mayonnaise person he'd just eaten the arm of.

* * *

He quickly forgot about the incident as he continued along the mayonnaise brick path. Well he _would_ have forgotten if a voice hadn't called him to stop. Hijikata complied and stopped, waiting for the noodle man blocking his path to say something more.

"Help me please! My noodles are completely dry and I can't move! Please help me! If I don't move the mayo monkeys will eat me!" Hijikata stood stupefied.

"Uh?"

_I don't get it. The kingdom of mayonnaise is supposed to be a happy place!_

He looked past noodle-man, and sure enough, mayo monkeys were approaching. Either way he didn't feel like rubbing mayonnaise all over someone else, and ran straight past noodle-man. Who, by now, was screaming obscenities at the vice-captain. He obviously had a thing about people being eaten alive.

* * *

This is the point where Hijikata and his pet cigarettes are supposed to meet a mayonnaise lion. But it was so freaked out that the strange outsider was eating people, or leaving them to die, that he didn't approach Hijikata. So no weird person in a mayonnaise lion suit, in this messed up story.

* * *

Hijikata groaned. He was so freaking hungry. He hadn't dared to eat anything, just in case it was alive. And the stupid mayonnaise brick road just _never ended_. He squinted into the distance, spotting a large mould castle. He didn't fancy eating mould, but honestly, the castle couldn't _possibly_ be alive.

After a few minutes of skipping he reached the mould castle. He made a move to break a piece off to eat, when the mayo monkeys from before appeared; all of them in a line in front of an old mayonnaise woman.

"You know what? Screw it. I've always dreamed of the land of mayonnaise. I should eat whatever I freaking well please!" Insanity sparkling in his eyes, he lunged at the mayo monkeys, and the old mayo woman. And ate them. His ears were _conveniently blocked_, so it really wasn't his fault he couldn't hear their pleas to stop.

Bloated, and covered in mayonnaise, he staggered away from the mould castle. He groaned and swayed in a mayonnaise-y drunken stupor, and collapsed onto the ground, and seeing as he resembled the blueberry-ified girl from Charlie and the chocolate factory, he rolled for a good mile down the mayonnaise brick road.

* * *

Having miraculously lost all of the extra weight, he arrived at the King's palace. Thoroughly fed up with the place, -it really hadn't lived up to his expectations, _another dream ruthlessly crushed_; -Hijikata threw a pokéball and summoned a bazooka. He blasted his way through the palace, demanding to see the king. He made his way to the throne room, where he shoved the bazooka in the king's face.

"Send me home. Right now."

"I can't do that." The king replied.

"And why the hell not?"

"Because you're dead. I can't send you back if Hijikata Toushirou no longer exists in your world." He said matter-of-fact-ly.

"What? I'm dead? Bull shit. Stop screwing with me. I've had enough of this sucky place." He gestured around him. The king merely shrugged and flicked his hand, as if he was shooing a child. And that's when Hijikata really lost it. He let out a mighty battle cry, and promptly blew the king up.

* * *

From then on, Hijikata Toushirou became the fearsome dictator of the kingdom of mayonnaise. From time to time, he requested sacrifices be made so he could satiate his addiction to mayonnaise.

What? Were you expecting there to be a wizard? Gullible people. What on earth gave you that idea?

* * *

Yeah… I don't know what was going through my head when I wrote this. Uhm review if you lasted this far… 


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